I’ve been sitting for the last several months in a certain quiet expansion since closing a big fat, two year long love. It was a love that cracked me open through grace, kindness and honesty.
I’ve watched and listened to myself struggle with the loneliness as I would go out to engage with the world around me. Being so opened up, I became tuned to observing my old habits of generating myself to see what impact I had and then watch how others received me.
This time, through seeing how others made stories about who they thought I was and my desire to recalibrate that impression or my temptation to defend who I thought I was, or for fuck’s sake my perceived “reputation”, I chose silence. It is now through my silence that I respect the actions I have taken, ones I know are good, that define who I am, regardless of any vantage point.
My silence then is a mirror that others see themselves in. They are free to see anything they want in that mirror as I continue to stay in my expansion. There is a freedom in allowing what we want others to think of us, to be destroyed. I am no longer the keeper of that burden.
In the peace of this expansion, as I hold open the big fat love I was given, I put into that opening my next creative endeavor. It requires a calm listening to allow all that has been accumulated in the big bin of stuff we gather before we build, to start to take shape.
There is a focus and determination in this silence that I am using to constellate my creation in a new way. Each time, instead of going out to calm my loneliness with activities, when I instead return to my creation, a magic breakthrough has happened. As I continue to research what others have done before me and wonder why they did it that way, the silence I sit in, gives me a powerful resource to see a new path, a way only I would come up with to solve it, a way that the “who I am” leads me forward. This is how I find myself and this is how through my unique set of actions, in the pursuit of my own creation, I make myself known.
In this peace, I put my creative output on the table, step back and let it speak for itself.