My Commitment to Living as a Single Man

…with dignity and respect, knowing women are trying to do the same.

I woke up this morning with the urge to call one of my friends-with-benefits to ask her if she wanted to come over and climb up on my hard cock so I could watch her tits bounce and pull on her hair. After, I’d make her coffee and breakfast.

But it’s been a few years since I’ve had that in my life, plus I moved to the opposite coast, so I lay here wondering why life is so complicated. Why people hide so much from each other, wishing we all were a bit more together, afraid to be hurt by someone who is broken. The truth is, we’re all broken. Some of us live in the back room of a toy store waiting to be returned or some of us live on the dented-can shelf in the back of the grocery store.

Right now, I just want someone to play with. I don’t care about your old boyfriends, your father wound, your best friend in high school who bet you on who would kiss the math teacher first and you lost.

I want to hear about the garden you want to build in your rubble strewn back yard, how you’re just a hundred bucks shy of buying a ratty pickup from the guy up the street to haul dirt in, how you bought a pair of old men’s work boots at a garage sale and when you put them on at home in nothing but a tool belt, you felt like you could kick anyone in the entire world’s ass.

Why can’t sex be easy, the kind where right in the middle of it, someone yells out loud, “This is such a good solid fucking.” where the other blurts out, “Fuck yeah,” Not the kind of lame sex you get from someone who’s trying to average it in with their lack of attention or some bullshit they don’t plan to apologize for.

At some point after I left my marriage I realized, I liked being a single man, so I made a commitment to do it with honesty and dignity, to figure out how to respect women and realize they too must have figured out what it’s like to be a single woman trying to live a dignified life, without hiding from the whole thing like a bad dream or a freak show.

I met an intriguing woman at a Burner party once, after talking with her a bit I found she just got off traveling with the circus for five years, and was looking for new clients as a dominatrix. Walking home that night I was grinning at how I’d never French kissed a woman with a forked tongue before. I texted her a few more times, she would disappear for days, but I left it alone knowing she’d show up when she felt like it. After not hearing from her for a week, I was running errands when I got a text and a photo, “Hey lover boy, I’ve been up camping in the woods naked for four days, what do you think of my tits?” to my reply, “Dayumn woman, with those nipples, you could communicate with outer space aliens. I have a fun photo; you want to see?” Her reply, “Sure!”

She finally agreed to come spend the afternoon at my place. I still wasn’t sure if I was auditioning as a new client (I too was imagining what she would do to me for $250 an hour) but I really liked her a lot and wondered if we could craft some kind of friendship. After pawing it around for a few hours in my bed, she said she had to go. To keep it light yet wanting to know where it was at between us, I figured I’d grab a hundred-dollar bill from my nightstand. At that point in my life I always kept a few C’s around in case I needed one, like this, or to give to a woman who was a hundred short of buying a pick-up. As circus woman was headed out the door, I handed her the bill and said, “You want some cash?” knowing if she took it, I would know everything I needed about how she saw this relationship. She pinched it and slid it in her back pocket and bopped off down the steps.

The point I’m trying to make, is as a man, there is an art to building respectful relationships with all kinds of different people, to allow the relationship to find it’s own center, to let it go if needed or to be solid and clear, when it’s wide open.

I’ve gone through stages in life where I kept my personal inner landscape pristine. To end all relationships with kindness if possible or a bonfire, to close all communication from a fear someone might text me at some random time.

I’ve softened a bit since then, yet at the same time gotten really good about saying NO. It’s in my capacity to say no (in real time) that allows me to live a life a bit more messy. I don’t need all the structures to keep people at arm’s length. All I know is we all struggle, it’s not perfect and sometimes we need others more than they need us.

All I can say is I wish more people would ask me to play more often, they might be surprised at how easy I might say yes.